Conversational Intelligence
Judith Glaser
Conversations are not what we think they are. We’ve grown up thinking they are about talking, sharing, information, telling people what to do, or telling others what’s on our minds. We are now learning, through neurological and cognitive research, that a “conversation” goes deeper and is more robust than simple information.
Conversations are dynamic, interactive, and inclusive. They evolve and impact the way we connect, engage, interact, and influence others, enabling us to shape reality, mindsets, events, and outcomes in a collaborative way.
In Conversational Intelligence, author Judith E. Glaser translates the wealth of new insights coming out of neuroscience from across the globe, and brings the science down to earth so people can understand and apply it in their everyday lives. The book contains a framework for knowing what kind of conversations trigger the lower, more primitive brain; and what activates higher-level intelligences such as trust, integrity, empathy, and good judgment.
The premise of Conversational Intelligence is: To get to the next level of greatness depends on the quality of our culture, which depends on the quality of our relationships, which depends on the quality of our conversations. Everything happens through conversations.
Part One: Defining Conversational Intelligence and Why We Need It
What Can We Learn from Our Worst Conversations
Conversations are multidimensional, not linear. What we think, what we say, what we mean, what others hear, and how we feel about it afterward are the key dimensions behind Conversational Intelligence. Though conversations are not simply “ask and tell” levels of discourse, we often treat them as though they are.
Conversations are the golden threads, albeit sometimes-fragile ones that keep us connected to others. Human beings have hardwired systems exquisitely designed to let us know where we stand with others; based on a quick read of a situation, our brains know whether we should operate in a protective mode or be open to sharing, discovery, and influence.
When we are out to win at all costs, we operate out of the part of the primitive brain called the amygdala. This part is hardwired with the well developed instincts of fight, flight, freeze, or appease. When we feel threatened, the amygdala activates the immediate impulses that ensure we survive. Our brains lock down and we are no longer open to influence.
On the other side of the brain spectrum is the prefrontal cortex. This is the newest brain, and it enables us to build societies, have good judgment, be strategic, handle difficult conversations, and build and sustain trust. Yet when the amygdala picks up a threat, our conversations are subject to the lockdown, and we get more “stuck” in our point of view.
Protecting ourselves is hardwired in our brains. Fear and conflict not only change the chemistry of the brain, they also change how we feel, how we behave, and how others perceive us. In a nanosecond we can move from being seen as a trusted friend and advisor to being seen as a frightening threat, a person deeply distrusted, because fear has tipped the scales that way.
Worse yet, when the amygdala goes into overdrive, it activates the limbic area of the brain, which stores all of our old memories. Once triggered, this part of the brain begins to remember other similar hurts and threats, and lumps them together into a “movie” that we unconsciously replay. Without our even realizing it, the moviemaking mind can take old memories and edit them into a new scary movie, giving our current situation a meaning for us that our bosses and colleagues and employees might see very differently. Trust is difficult to sustain when we build a rich inner world of drama that we do not share with those around us. Put another way, trust is difficult to sustain when we are afraid to share our inner world; that’s the only way to close the gap between what we’re thinking and what others are thinking about what’s real, not to mention what’s smart, right, and fair.
Conversations are the social rituals that hold us together, the fabric of culture and society. Sometimes when we as leaders are marching forward, furiously achieving our goals and objectives, we fail to see the impact of the minute, yet powerful interactions in conversations on others. Yet once we do, we can change the interaction dynamics and change our future forever.
When We Lose Trust, We Lose Our Voice
Being in sync with others is vital to healthy relationships. And it’s not just a metaphor. Research indicates that when we are comfortable with someone, our heartbeat becomes more coherent, sending signals to the brain to relax, open up, and share with that person. When gaps arise between what we expect and what we get, we become uncertain of our relationship and our fear networks begin to take control of our brains.
As a result, we find ourselves lacking the neurochemical and hormonal support for placing trust in others. Our good judgment gives way to defensive aggressive, or passive-aggressive behaviours that have a huge impact on our ability to be effective at our jobs. Our challenge, therefore, is to find ways to head off our fears, or, at the very least, understand where they may be coming from so we can work backward to find a solution.
Moving from Distrust to Trust
When we are in a fear state, our conversations are shaped by the neurochemistry of fear. We can only think about protecting ourselves. The best antidotes to the brain’s fear state are trust, empathy, and support.
Part Two: Raising Your Conversational Intelligence
Conversations are rituals we embed into our culture and our relationships, and which give us a way to successfully structure our engagements with others. Part II focuses on what you can do to shape conversations for success. Breakdowns happen when you and I think we are talking to each other but we are really talking past each other. We are so engrossed in what we have to say that we don’t realize we are carrying on our own monologues, not dialogues. When we are conversationally blind, our conversations often go off track because we see the world from our own perspective and not from other person’s.
Level Setting Conversations
How do we become more conversationally intelligent? One way is to understand how to level set our conversations. The following conversational tool, called the Conversational Intelligence™ Matrix, enables you to recognize the quality of your interaction dynamics, the level of trust you and others are operating with, and the outcomes produced by each level of conversation. As you learn to use the Conversational Intelligence™ Matrix, you can begin to eliminate Conversational Intelligence blind spots and engage in healthy conversations at Levels I, II, and III.
Level I:
Transactional Conversations can be categorized as “Tell and Ask” interactions dynamics. People are exchanging information, updates, and facts that help us align our realities or confirm we are on the same page. There is not a lot of trust, and people are focusing more on what they need to get from each other to validate and confirm their view of reality.
Level II:
Positional These conversations are characterized by “Advocate and Inquire” interaction dynamics. In a Level II conversation I am advocating for what I want and I am inquiring about your beliefs so I can influence you to my point of view. However, if I feel that you are not going to be fair or are lobbying at my expense, I will retreat into protective behaviours.
Level III:
Transformational Transformation conversations are marked by “Share and Discover” interaction dynamics. When I share first, my brain receives a cue that I will be vulnerable with you and that I will open up my inner thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Others in the conversation receive the signal that you are willing to be influenced, that you are about them, and that they can trust you to experiment and innovate with them. To raise your Conversational Intelligence, you need to become master and co-creator of conversational rituals that enable the greatest expression of ideas, feelings, hunches, thoughts, and aspirations possible.
Priming for Level III Conversations
The best communicators learn to align their intentions with their impact. While intention is what someone wants to make happen or plans to accomplish, the impact involves the quality of the experience from the perspective of the receiver – and that impact may not correspond with what the communicator intended.
Part Three: Pulling It All Together
To help you elevate your culture to Level III interaction dynamics, start engaging in the seven vital conversations outlined below. Each one facilitates your ability to access Conversational Intelligence and to enhance your powerful ability to co-create with others.
Co-creating Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that stimulate mirror neurons, which enable you to see the world through others’ eyes
Humanizing Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that stimulate higher levels of empathy and candour
Aspiring Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that stimulate higher levels of foresight
Navigating Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that stimulate higher levels of collaboration Generating Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that stimulate learning from mistakes
Expressing Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that stimulate higher levels of judgment and voice
Synchronizing Conversations – catalyse functions in the prefrontal cortex that enable you to close the gaps between reality and aspirations
Ask yourself: What CHANGES are you willing to make to elevate your culture to Level III?
The keys to successful change lie in understanding change from a Conversational Intelligence perspective. Change is more a process that “we” do together than “I” do alone. When leaders honour and respect how our WE-centric brains respond to change, they will become champions of a new level of leadership fuelled by applying all three levels of Conversational Intelligence at the right time and in the right way.
Conversational Intelligence gives us tools for letting go of the past and transforming the future.
Everyone can become a master of Conversational Intelligence. It teaches us to see differently – to listen differently – and to process what we perceive differently. When we do that, we act in the moment in ways that create energy, activate energy, and help guide energy toward more productive and more powerful ends.
Adapted from Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results by Judith E. Glaser (Bibliomotion, October 2013). Judith E. Glaser is the CEO of Benchmark Communications and the Chairman of The Creating WE Institute. She is one of the most innovative and pioneering change agents, consultants and executive coaches in the consulting industry – and refers to herself as an Organizational Anthropologist.